Tangled up in blue

I hope this is just part of the hormonal freakshow that I've become, but I feel terrible. I'm sad, I don't feel like anyone likes me anymore (except Brett, I guess). I feel like people are judging me and not liking what they see. I feel like crying constantly today. I'm kinda lonely feeling - no one can really relate to me right now. That's a yucky feeling. I'm pretty blue. I miss Lucy (whom I just dropped off at "camp"). Not even my impending trip to New Orleans is making it better. 

I need a hug. 

... but I'm hot, so nevermind. 

Sunshine & the Fridge.

We had a bit of good news this week. The trial that Brett is supposed to be having in Jacksonville will not be held during the week of the 18th. Do you know what that means? That means that when we do the harvesting, Brett will be in town to do his part. Then when they do the transfer (five days later), Brett will be in town! This is a wonderful turn of events and is allowing him to be a little more laid-back about the timing. 

We're very excited because this weekend we're going to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. It's a bit like going home for me - we'll catch up with some friends, go to some great restaurants & most importantly, hear some fabulous music! It's coming at a perfect time. Brett really needs a vacation. And it will be nice to have a little time to enjoy each other before the ruckus starts. 

We have my baseline appointment on May 5, the day after we get back from Jazz Fest. At that appointment, they will determine whether or not my hormone levels are low enough to get started on Part III. If not, we'll continue with the Lupron shots for a couple more days, checking along the way. If so, Part III includes more shots & different medicines. One that I'm pretty nervous about giving myself. Apparently it stings.

Brett is going to give me my shot tonight. It's his first time. He's going to do really great with it, once he's past being nervous. I was nervous my first time too. But now I'm an old pro & he will be too, before it's all said and done!

I'm feeling alright. I have been moody. Billy says that I'm moody anyway and if this is making is worse, he feels sorry for Brett. I would like to put it out there that I've been remarkably good around Brett so far. I've controlled my emotions very well, I think. I'm sick of the constant hot-fine-hot-fine that I seem experience only in the mornings or at night. I have also been known to start crying for stupid reasons - like the puppy in the Charmin commercial. I know it's for a good cause. But Golly Gee Whiz. 

Gonna go stand in the Fridge.

Go Team Beaker!

Inspiration Strikes

Getting Shots - A Haiku

Sharp things stick and prick

10 o'clock comes too early

for pink pincushions

Being There - Another Haiku

If not for the judge

And long summer vacations

I'd get pregnant 'lone

Shorter Sleeves, Please - Another Haiku

Standing by the fan

Flash of heat and sweat pours down

Trying to cool off

Hokey Pokey

The enormity of what's happening has finally caught up with me. It's kinda blowing my mind. I'm actually giving myself shots so that Brett & I can have a child. I'm preparing for pregnancy. I'm taking more medicines than anybody I know, except Cat, who used to take a LOT of medicines. I'm getting my body ready to produce a ton of eggs by willingly going into menopause first. Oh My Cow. What on earth am I doing? 

Kelli just came to walk me through my first shot. She was very patient with me and helped me get used to the routine that I need to learn before sticking myself. 

I keep telling myself that if a little kid with diabetes can do this, so can I. And guess what!? I did it! I gave myself my first shot! I was so nervous I was shaking. I did my nervous dance before getting the nerve to stick. But then, with the dexterity of a supernurse, I did it. Kellie (with an e) would be proud of me. I was brave. I didn't make the Beaker sound! 

Go Team Beaker!

Day 3 CGH

Brett talked with the woman at Reprogenetics. The Day 3 CGH test is so new, they don't even have the machines set up to do that test! That made our decision very easy and we will not be having that test done. We will go through with the Day 3 PGD testing, which is what our original plan was.

I'm waiting for Sheila to call me back in re: some questions I had about the Shots & Other. Hmmm... Thursday's going to come awfully quickly & I need answers! 

Getting nervous about the shots... But like Connie & I decided today, there are times when you suck it up and do what you need to do in order to get something wonderful on the other side.

Go Team Beaker!

Learning the Ropes Part 2

As I promised you who have already read this today (thank you), I am going to spend a little time expounding upon what I wrote earlier.

Today was a big deal appointment. Dr. Perloe did the saline sonogram & trial transfer. Thankfully, he did both at one time because it was moderately uncomfortable. I'm not going to go into the details of the procedures because it's not something we're willing to share. It did go well & Dr. Perloe assured us that everything is "normal" & that's wonderful news! 

The science of IVF is moving at a tremendous rate. Already the fifth day CGH chromosome testing that we were considering is obsolete! They can now test all 23 pairs of chromosomes on the third day. Brett & I are discussing it more tonight, but it's not likely that we'll do that testing. Dr. Perloe asked us if we want to consider it & we told him that we would at least do that.

After meeting with Dr. Perloe, we met with Sheila. Remember Sheila? I love Sheila. She is amazing. Sheila gave us our calendar. She also taught Brett how to administer the big shot. Yes, there's a big shot. As opposed to the little daily shots that I'll be getting starting on April 23rd.

Here's our basic schedule.

Start Lupron shots on 4.23

Baseline Check Date 5.05

I'll have daily appointments from 5.09 - 5.16

Tentative Egg retrieval date is between 5.16-5.18 ** For this procedure, I will be put under sedation.

Theoretically, we'll do the transfer five days after that. I say theoretically because there are a few things that could make us postpone.

PLEASE remember a couple of things:

1. I am NOT supposed to be "dieting" during this time. I'm eating healthy & trying to make smart choices. I request that you keep that in mind when we dine together. My weight is going to fluctuate with the massive amounts of hormones that I'm going to be on. 

2. There is ONLY a 37% chance of getting pregnant the first time we try this. That's not even half & half. Please don't get your hopes up, we're trying to do the same. Brett & I promise that we'll let you know when we're pregnant. Neither of us can drink much anymore, so don't try to guess or call us out on it. This is going to be a sticky time, but it could be a really great time. 

3. Speaking of the massive amounts of hormones: They're going to put me in a quasi-premenopausal state. Those of you who've been through it will remember: it's going to be crazy at the Coburn Compound! I figure in about three days I'm going to become a lunatic. I've already apologized to Brett, but anyone who wants to rescue him from hot flashes, emotional roller coasters and/or Crazy Adele, please do so with my blessings! Poor Brett! 

So that's all the information we're going to share today. For a while, the blog will be more about the way we're feeling. Just a place to allow thoughts to flow. We're feeling fine. I'm pretty nervous. To be honest, I'm terrified. This is much more invasive than I thought it was going to be. Thanks for continuing to read. Love y'all.

and as always:

Go Team Beaker!

Learning the Ropes

I'll continue this later because I want to go take a shower & lie down a minute. But I know that there are people out there reading this for information and I love you for it. I'll edit & expand on this later. 

For now: everything went fine with the saline sonogram & trial transfer. Dr. Perloe explained the tools & procedures as we went through each step. It took about 15 minutes. Everything looked "normal" which is a big deal for someone who's been historically abnormal. 

Brett & I learned all about the jabs and sticks that we'll have to do. It's been a very long morning.

Go Team Beaker!

Beginnings.

This process doesn't cease to amaze me.

We are scheduled for the saline sonogram & trial transfer for April 20th. For all of us who are lacking knowledge in this area, here is the description and science behind these procedures:

A saline sonogram is routinely performed to make sure that the endometrial cavity (uterus) appears normal. Benign uterine growths may develop in the cavity and create an environment that is hostile for implantation. Scar tissue may also be identified with the saline infused sonogram. The procedure is simple & usually takes 10 to 15 minutes to complete.

The trial transfer involves using a soft transfer catheter to map the cervix & uterus to ensure a smooth embryo transfer at the end of the IVF cycle. 

I highly recommend NOT looking these things up on Google because there are so many other blogs out there that will just scare the pants off you. It's not worth getting worked up. I'm the one going through it & I don't need you getting worked up over it!

How are we feeling, you ask? Thank you for asking. We're doing very well! We're so happy to know that there is a way to bring our Little Beaker into the world! We're so grateful for the people who are our Lights in the World. Last night, Brett & I were discussing the Way of the Cross. We are all aware that Christ was forced to carry His Cross. During his walk to Golgatha (Skull Place), He fell three times. After He fell the first time, a stranger, Simon of Cyrene, was pulled from the crowd to help Him. So many of you have been Simon to us. I'm not sure if Simon was actually able to help Christ, or if his presence was of any comfort to Christ, but in my meditations on this particular piece of the Stations, I like to think that perhaps Simon was some comfort to Him. I like to think that perhaps the reason that it's included in the Stations of the Cross is because we are all called to be like Simon - to help others carry their crosses through life. Brett & I talked about this some last night. He, in his thoughtful way, said that not only are we extremely grateful for those in our life who've been Simon to us - countless Simons all bearing us up while we've mourned our losses & tried to find our New Path - but also, we, Brett & I, can be Simon to others. Imagine! We've been given an extraordinary opportunity to help others carry their crosses. If Brett & I had been given the answer we wanted to our prayers - if this Cup had passed us by - we could not be Simons in our world. Brett is a wonderfully thought-filled person & I am so grateful that I get to walk through life with him - my ultimate Simon. That's my Catholic spiel for today, but I think it speaks to all of us. 

So, check back on the 20th at least if you'd like to know more about the SCIENCE of Miracle Making! 

Go Team Beaker!

Love.

Just A Thought

"We will follow the Cross..

Our pain a bridge to Him

who heals our brokenness.

His peace beyond all that we can know, 

calms the strife within,

easing the burdens we bear.

We will follow the Cross,

that we may put on Christ

for all those lost in doubt.

The hurt we bear, the suffering we endure,

offered as sacrifice

to bring forth the Kingdom of God.

By His wounds, we are healed; by His blood poured out, we are set free, and we follow Him, each bearing our Cross that we might be as Christ: light for the world."

Brett & I are spiritual people. We're not necessarily religious and we believe different things, but fundamentally, we are prayerful people & we know the blessings & miracles that are waiting for us.  This morning, on Palm Sunday, we went to Mass & found great comfort. We thought it might be helpful to put the words that spoke so clearly to us here for you to think about and pray over. We aren't the only lemons in the world. Everyone is fighting a battle. But we are very grateful to you for continuing to pray for us while we continue our battle & while we wait expectantly for our miracle!

Love.

This is SO COOL!!

I've started and erased this like three times. This is a crazy blog to write!

This Science Project is way cooler than we thought, way scarier than we imagined, way more intense than we guessed and happening way faster than anyone could have predicted!

As of today, we're officially A Case. We have a number & a path & someone to call whenever we have questions or concerns or reach the next step. 

We talked with Dr. Perloe for a while today. He threw Science words at us like "gamete" and "saline sonogram" and "microscope" for 3o minutes. He offered to organize a scientific field trip for my students. [Umm... two problems with that: 1) I'm not teaching right now. 2) If I were teaching, my students are 5. Not great listeners when presented with words like "fertilization" & "intracytoplasmic sperm injection."] But then he gave us a book - a BOOK - of legal consent forms to read over & some explanation of how the process will go also. Oh! The best part is the information on Brett's part in all this. If you ever want something funny (in a totally "what on earth" kinda way) to read, come on over! 

"Get on with it!" 

After talking with Dr. Perloe and throwing around words like "gamete" & "biopsy," they did some more blood work on me. That was to test for Cystic Fibrosis stuff & another one that I couldn't remember what it was for. They're always taking blood for something! Then we met with Sheila. I love Sheila. I think Sheila is the craziest, most wonderful, most insane, happiest, most fantastic person on earth. Sheila gave me her phone number. Well, it was her extension. Sheila told me that I have to call her every time we have a question. Every time we reach a landmark. Every time we need an appointment. And she gave us a schedule. A time frame! She told us what's going to happen when & she helped us feel at ease about it all.  And then she put our file on her head & balancing it, walked out of the room. That's the kind of person we like on Team Beaker Coburn! 

Our schedule:

1. Finish this monthly cycle after which I will get on birth control pills to make me not ovulate. That way they can stimulate ovulation & harvest a ton of eggs. 

2. We have to go see either a therapist or the rabbi to get him to sign off that we are psychologically ready to go through this Science Project.

3. We have to go through a semen analysis so we can make sure that what's wrong is actually my own issues and not Brett's also. This will allow Dr. Perloe to make better judgement calls in how we go through the next part of the schedule. 

4. When we talk with Sheila after I start BCP, she'll tell me the next steps. (Isn't she wonderful?)

So, all of this feels great. We're on solid ground. We're getting somewhere. We're on a path! 

Oh, and Dr. Perloe said I can't run the Peachtree Road Race. Anyone need a number?

Go Team Beaker!

Beaker

There's a lot that I'm not going to write tonight. I'm super tired from spending the day out and I really want to lie down before Date Night tonight. Brett & I need to process some information before I write it down, so it might be tomorrow before the full story (or what we're willing to share) is out there.

Here's the gist for you to mull over tonight, Dearest. This whole process is going to go rather quickly, we hope. I'm pretty sure that in 6 weeks we'll have Something. In the meantime, Brett has renamed the Science Project "Beaker." Partly for the Science Loving Lab "partner" of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of the Muppets and partly because that Beaker makes a similar noise to what I make when I get shots. Sorry, I mean after I get a shot. When I get the shot, I try to be brave, but I'm not. More on that later. So, from here on after, we'll refer to the Science Project as either the Science Project or Beaker. Both are VERY loving terms and we're expecting that you as a supportive and loving friend/family member will become enamored with that term and use it too! 

We're all smiles as we go out on Date Night.  There's a LOT to tell and we'll tell as much as we can tomorrow. We have a lot of hope. We've got a lot of faith. We are full of love!

Now that's a family motto!

Love.